right about now

is that time that i just wanna crawl up in a whole and die. i don't know why but i just get like this once every month or two.

anyway, trust is a huge deal.

Currently Reading Diary: A Novel By Chuck Palahniuk see related

if you haven't already read Diary by Chuck Palahniuk, you should probably most definetely read it right now.

Eighty years, an old lady now, sitting on the front porch
watching the clouds roll by
They remind her of her lover, how he left her, and of times long ago.
When she used to color carelessly painted his portrait
A thousand times- or maybe just his smile-
her and her canvas would follow him wherever he would go
'Cause they were painters and they were painting themselves
A lovely world.
Oil streaked daisies covered the living room wall
He put water-colored roses in her hair
He said, "Love, I love you, I want to give you mountains, the sunshine, the sunset too
I just want to give you a world as beautiful as you are to me
'Cause I'm a painter and i want to paint you
A lovely world."
So they sat down and made a drawing of their love, an art to live by
They painted every, passion every home, created every beautiful child
in the winter they were weavers of warmth,
in summer they were carpenters of love
They thought blue prints were too sad so they made them yellow
and they were painters and they were painting themselves
A lovely world.
Until one day the rain fell as thick as black oil
And in her heart she knew something was wrong
She went running through the orchard screaming,
"No God, don't take him from me!"
But by the time she got there, she feared he already had gone
She got to where he lay, water-colored roses in his hands for her
She threw them down screaming, "Damn you man, don't leave me
with nothing left behind but these cold paintings, these cold portraits
to remind me!"
He said, "Love I only leave a little, try to understand
I put my soul in this life we created with these four hands
Love, I leave, but only a little this world holds me still
My body may die now, but these paintings are real."
So many seasons came and many seasons went
and many times she saw her loves face watering the flowers,
talking to the trees and singing to his children
And when the wind blew, she knew he was listening,
and how he seamed to laugh along, and how he seemed to hold her
when she was crying
'Cause they were painters and they had painting themselves
A lovely world.
Eighty years, an old lady now, sitting on the front porch
Watching the clouds roll by, they remind her of her lover
how he left her and of times long ago, when she used to color carelessly,
Painted his portrait a thousand times, or maybe just his smile,
and her and her canvas would follow him wherever he would go
Yes, her and her canvas still follow
Because they are painters and they are painting themselves
A lovely world

our battles are repeticious, if not broken poetry. and maybe thats the attraction, that you're as self absorbed as me. you jumped to the conclusion and landed on my chest. now how am i supposed to make you see? i'll just write this down with hopes that you'll understand. i will no longer be disciplined by the frustrations of an insecure man.

trying to be tough but its getting really really really hard.

"I can't imagine all the people that you know,
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low.
And I don't understand all the things you've seen,
but I'm slipping in between
you and your big dreams."

it's 1:16 right now, start time at least. i have to get up early to get this passport thing taken care of. i can't sleep though because i can't stop thinking about you. i can't live like this anymore. i need you so much. talking to you about it just made it worse. i've been thinking about it (a whole fucking lot) and i need you and i need to tell you this but i have no guts so i'm gonna write it on here, where you won't see it, where no one will.

"It's always you
in my big dreams,
and you tell me that its over."

from the very second i met you i knew it was something. remember? we were both lonely and depressed? and from then on you were all i thought about and all i talked about. and i turned to stef and said, "what if i start to like him?" and she said, "...i knew you'd end up liking him." and i said, "yeah right, there's only a million other boys here." well yeah, there were a million other boys there. there's a million other boys here. there's a million but they don't mean anything at all.

"You gotta get out,
you cant stand to see me shaking.
Could you let me go?
I didn't think so."

so i did what i had to and i finally got you. and in the past year i treated you like shit and under appreciated you. i didn't make an effort to put you first when things got rough for me. i was nervous and immature. i was a little girl. i was selfish and stupid. i was so so so stupid. i didn't know what i had, but mostly, i didn't understand why i had you. you're the nicest person ever, the only person who's ever been genuinely nice to me no matter what. and how did i repay you? i was bitchy, over suspicious, and just an asshole. and i think about it every day. and i regret it every day. i'm SO thankful that you've given me yet another chance (i don't know why) and i promise that i won't mess up this time. i honestly do wanna be with you, even if you're not here. but you being so far away is one of the hardest things i've had to deal with. living has never been this hard. i've never loathed being awake this much. all i want to do is sleep, because sleeping can let me dream of you maybe. it's the closest i have right now.

"You don't wanna look much closer,
'cause you're afriad to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed,
and it did...
because of me."

and i can look in the mirror without scowling at myself or crying or any of that, but haven't looked so lucid in so long. i haven't felt this empty since 7th grade, but that's another story. so now what am i? i can't get used to being this far when i know that i would be okay if you were here, because i know that the reason you left was because i gave you the idea that we would never be together again. you left because of my actions, and now i'm full of regrets but i just wish you'd come back. and maybe it's too late now and that's okay. i'm not writing this for you. i have to do this for me.

"And if I hurt you,
then I'm sorry.
Please don't think that this was easy."

if i knew how to tell you how much i regret hurting you in some simple terms, i would. but the only way i can explain it is through rambling, and rambling looks like an excuse. this is no excuse. there is no excuse for what i did to you, everything i did to you. i can't explain it and i can't excuse it, but i can tell you that i've thought about all of it a whole lot. i'm sitting here thinking about it now. i lay in bed thinking about it. i wake up thinking about it. i cry all the time, because i can't help but think that you're gone for good, and that's something i could never accept. my greatest fear is that i may have to :/

"I'm not your star,
isn't that what you said?"

it's scary, because you're the boy who taught me how to love and how to fall in love with little things. never ever will i waste an 11:11 wish, and i'll certainly never use one on someone other than you. i'll never be able to tell you how happy i am to have you still in my life. it's unbelievable, actually. i have no idea what i would do without you. from you i learned to appreciate things that most people don't even see. maybe you don't know that, but i learned so much from you. i learned that not everyone has the intentions of hurting me. there are some people who are really seriously good people. there aren't many of them though, so if you find one, don't let them go. i did. it was a terrible mistake, and i promise to never let myself act so stupidly/selfishly again.

"And if this is what it takes
just to lye with my mistakes,
and live with what I did to you,
all the hell i put you through.
I always catch the clock,
it's 11:11."

maybe you stopped making 11:11 wishes for a while, but i still wished, and i still wish to be with you. every time. while we were together sometimes i wondered how you could be so sure you loved me. i never understood how you knew, and now i get it completely. it's not something to be put in words or bought with money or impressed or anything. it's this thing that just is. it's this lack of uncertainty. it's a perfect balance between friends and school and finding someone who fits in perfectly. the whole time i had the right piece, but i was trying to fit it in to the puzzle the wrong way. and now i can see which way it goes. but i feel like it doesn't matter because you're not going to be back for a while. i don't think i can forgive myself for making those stupid choices, cause i know if i would have done what my heart was telling me there's a good chance you would still be here. but i'm a stupid bitch so now you left. and it hurts, but it's what i deserve.

"It's not hard to dream,
you'll always be my konstantine,,
my konstantine.
They'll never hurt you like I do.
No. they'll never hurt you like I do."

and all my thinking has led me to these conclusions; you are a part of me, (whenever we weren't together, a part of me was gone and it couldn't just regenerate. you were the first person i ever let get close to me, and i resisted. i tried hard not to let you, but you did. you opened my eyes to so many new things and i know no one could ever take your place in my heart. without you, i'm not me, and that is the most incomplete feeling in the world.) no one can replace you, (no one makes me feel as loved, no one is nearly as genuine, no one matters as much, no one can make me feel hate and love and everything in between the same way you do.) you are happy now, (you're back home, you're with your mom and sister and friends, and you know i still love you like i always did. i am willing to go through as many sleepless nights or panic attacks or long lonely days as long as you're content. i know you want to be here to be with me, but i know you weren't happy. the choice is yours to come back, and it's clear you don't plan on doing so soon.) and last, this is my last chance, (i can't expect you to give me another chance after everything i did. if i do even the littlest thing to mess things up and hurt you again then i don't deserve another chance. that's why i'm gonna be the best i can be to make sure that we stay happy together. it's the least i can do to make up for all the hell i put you through.

so i'm aware that the mistakes i've made have made it hard for you to trust me and believe that you are my only one. but i wish you would. i'd do anything to make you believe me, just tell me how. i could make things different. you could come to my house and meet my parents, it's okay if they don't like you. we can go to the beach or to the city or we can just sit on the street and talk. you can talk to other girls, i won't question it. you can hang out with them too if you want. if you'd rather see your friends from time to time, that's okay. i'll make other plans, ones that can comply with yours if they need too. i could even play some video games, or even eat the food you like. whatever it takes to earn your trust and make you believe that i'm in love with you and no one else. i want so desperately for you to believe me. i need you to believe me.)

"This is to a girl
who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did.
Hey, you know, you keep me up in bed.
This is to a girl
who got into my head
with all these fucked up things I did."

i can say it and say it til my tongue falls out, but a broken record skips and skips but it's condition doesn't improve. no matter how many times i say it, it never makes me feel any better. i love you, i miss you, i need you. please come back.

"You spin around me like a dream.
We played out on this movie screen.
And I said...
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
I miss you."

i'm crazy, and way out of line.
i suppose i'm sorry for leading you on.
i was having a lot of fun, but come on.
let's be serious.
we both know it couldn't work.

because kissing you won't make him come back.